Lifeless
by mimma
Summary: HitsugayaHinamori drabbles. Very angsty.
1. Hate

**Hate**

He hates this. He _hates _this.

It's the same all over again, Hinamori's gone somewhere he can't follow, just like before when she left Rukongai- she's gone completely away without looking back, and this time he _really_ can't follow her again. There's nothing he can do, for all his power and all his brains and he's completely fucking _helpless_, a kid all over again.

He hates that.

Sitting in the clean white hospital room, he sees Hinamori's clean white face and he thinks it looks like she's sleeping, like she's going to wake up soon and laugh, and he thinks it looks like she's dead, with a hole in her heart that her beloved _Aizen-taichou_ tore there, with his leaving and with his betrayal and with his sword.

He touches her cool hand and he looks at her empty face, and he thinks he will gut Aizen for this.

In one of his darker moments he thinks that he will bring her Aizen's blood and pour the color back into her cheeks and the life back into her eyes, and she'll open them again.

He tells her he will kill him for her. She doesn't seem to hear.

He hates this.

-end-


	2. Meaning

**Meaning**

Masumoto doesn't know what to make of the look on her captain's face. She does know he probably doesn't know what to make of hers either, he doesn't know what Gin meant to her (what _did_ he?) and she doesn't know what Hinamori means to him, so it's fair in a twisted sort of way.

It's upsetting, though, when she hunts through Seretai for her captain and finds him sitting in that room looking at Hinamori's face, because there's something very sad and faintly funny about the way the boy-genius captain with the eyes of ice hold so tightly on to a childhood he claims does not exist.

But Hinamori-fukutaichou isn't his childhood, really.

She's more upset for Hinamori than herself, because she _knew_ Gin was a snake and she _knew_ that that bastard had his own agenda but Hinamori-fukutaichou loved Aizen, probably still does and, along with more than half of the Gotei-13, herself included, the 5th division vice-captain worshipped her captain like a god.

Hitsuguya-taichou knows it too. She sees him touch Hinamori's hand and sees his eyes trace the pale line of her face.

She hears him promise to kill Aizen for Hinamori, and thinks, lightheartedly, like she hasn't in so long, _'My little captain's all grown up'_.

She thinks this is what Hinamori means to him.

-end-


	3. Waking

**Waking**

When she woke up, he wasn't even there.

Some underling from the 4th division came and told the captains that Hinamori was awake, and Hitsugaya rushed right out of the captain's meeting, followed almost immediately by Unohana-taichou.

He thinks it was the most conflicted moments of his life right there, those miles between her room and the 1st division's meeting room, knowing that she was awake, not knowing what she would do.

He knows it was the worst moment of his life –in full-color, and framed- when her eyes blinked uncomprehendingly at him above the nurse's shoulder and she asked, in _precisely the same voice _as all those years ago, "Who are you?"

The world went dark in that moment, the shadow after the flash.

He was ushered from the room. Sat down quietly, talked at- told that she _has experienced very severe trauma, taichou_ (Who are you to say that, did you see her bleed?) and that she_ will of course be disoriented from her long coma, Taichou_ (Did you sit at her side?) and that she _must not be upset by anyone, Taichou_ and finally getting to the point of _completely unadvisable for you to visit her, Taichou_ because she _might suffer a relapse at any time, Taichou_ (keep her from me and I'll kill you).

He allowed himself to be kept away from her, but not because of any 9th chair's whining drone but because of Unohana's placating _after we are sure, Hitsugaya-kun._

When he was next allowed into her room, all _danger of relapse past, Taichou_ she was sitting up in a chair and _doing much better, Taichou_ (he begins to think he hates his title). He sits there and doesn't shock her, mindful of his warnings. He doesn't say what he wants to (I'm sorry I let him hurt you. I promise you no one will ever hurt you again), but waits for her to speak first, watching the pink back in her cheeks and the life back in her eyes.

She frowned, and she asked, "I know you, don't I?"

"Yes," he said, feeling his way forward. "My name is Hitsugaya Toushirou."

She smiled, and it was like the sun coming back into his world. "Can I call you Shirou-chan?"

He stares at her for a moment, faced with a captain of the Gotei-13 and asking if she could call him a name only she dared use.

Struck by the sheer absurdity of it all, he smiles. "I don't see why not," he says, and she smiles again, a smile just for him, and there are no shadows in her eyes.

-end-


	4. Maturity

**Maturity **

He's been getting bigger.

It's strange, after about four decades being stuck at the age he died and then hitting puberty when he's fifty.

It's _ridiculous_, because it has him waking up with aches in his bones and eating more than he ever has in his life.

Hitsugaya's all arms and legs now, legs longer, reach extended and _glory be_, he's also a better fighter than ever, extra strength and speed.

The first time he noticed his growth spurt, he just thought, '_About bloody time'_. Now he can't wait for it to stop.

His captain's coat doesn't fit – he won't get a new one until he's finished growing, because they're expensive to make, and the 'genius' is nothing if not practical. His uniform hangs off him, with 'room to grow in'. His shoulder's are getting broad, the entire way he's standing's changed, and his voice is breaking, which Masumoto gets a kick out of, since this means her captain now has a tendency to sing soprano. His hands are becoming bigger, his body's doing…_things_, and his mind wanders in places that make him turn pinker than his vice-captain's shawl.

At times like that, he thinks he hates it, and wishes it never happened,

But then standing up straight enables him to look down on Masumoto and at Zaraki in the throat (that's a helluva spurt), his voice can quiet even 11th division idiots without him having to move, and he doesn't have to fetch a stepstool for _anything_. Hinamori comes by with a special bento for him everyday (because canteen food is…canteen food. Which says it all) and stays to watch him eat it, and she's all his for the entire lunch hour. He trains her in the evenings (she wants Bankai, and captaincy) and she looks _up_ at him instead of down, no one complains about the 'kid' training a fukutaichou, being close to each other does weird things to his senses and he's fairly sure her cheeks aren't just pink from the exercise. During _those_ times, he feels like he's walking on clouds.

He's waiting outside her room for Hinamori, to take her to one of Rukongai's finer eateries as a reward for advancing today (Masumoto caught him dressing up and forced it out of him, after which she ran out screaming like an idiot. Surprisingly, he couldn't bring himself to care about her squeal of "My little captain's becoming a man!").

She comes out, pretty in pink and blue, and she smiles _up_ at him, and it's the most natural thing in the world to take her hand.

He's all grown up.

-end-


	5. Mercy

**Mercy **

Aizen likes his vice-captain, really he does.

She's so helpful and sweet, and her unquestioning obedience is so useful that he almost thinks he would like to take her with him.

It would probably be useful to have her there, and if he left her here, she'd die without him. But if she came, she'd be frightened, and having her clutch his arm and scream every time she saw a Menos would be annoying, and letting her be so frightened would be cruel.

It puzzles him, and he thinks over it while ordering the execution of Kuchiki Rukia. He's a kind man, after all, and letting Momo waste away would be not at all kind, especially after all her obedience.

He sees her chat with Kira, hears her correct herself mid-endearment to 'Shirou-ch – Hitsugaya-taichou', and he decides how to kill her.

She can die in a way that can serve her life's purpose, can die avenging the 'death' of her adored captain, can die fighting Aizen's 'murderer'.

It can be either Kira or Hitsugaya-kun. Both boys are fond of her, they won't let her suffer, and what else can they do but fight back when Momo uses the full range of her not-unimpressive skills?

It would be the most merciful way for her to die.

He's terribly annoyed, later, when Kira doesn't manage to so much as put a scratch on her and Hitsugaya-kun just knocks her out.

But he's merciful, and lets her touch him before he drives his sword into her. She's been quite annoying, refusing to die, and she can think about that while she bleeds.

He sees Hitsugaya-kun stare at her bleeding body, hears his broken "Hina…mori?", and Aizen thinks, '_Oh, that's how it is'_.

Aizen kills him in one strike, so he can die together with Momo.

He really is so very merciful.

-end-


	6. Ownership

**Ownership **

Year ago, decades, Hitsugaya Toushirou entered the Shinigami academy, chasing after Hinamori Momo. Following Hinamori in to the school was a dream for a while, and he thought of all the thing he wanted to say to her, wanted to burble on about _how much I've missed you_ and _look how good I am_ and most pressing of all, _did you miss me too?_ And hear her say _I missed you too_ and _you're so good_ and _let's do (_something. Anything) _together, Shirou-chan_. But when he saw her again he didn't say any of those things, just kicked her on the ankle (_what_ he would have given to able to bop her on the head) and said, "Oi, I'm here."

She doesn't call him Shirou-chan, didn't say she missed him, but when he told her how well he was doing her face had filled with admiration and just a shred of envy and somehow that expression had him walking on clouds for a week.

Then the captain of the 5th division came in to guest lecture for a week and the very first time Hitsugaya saw Hinamori's adoring eyes and heard her breathless, 'Aizen-taichou!" he thought he could learn to hate this man.

He didn't.

He was taught to like him.

It wasn't hard to like him, or at least respect him, the fair, handsome captain with plenty of people who worshipped the ground he walked on.

It wasn't hard to hate him either, perfect Aizen, with his perfect face and his perfect personality, with _every **damn** thing_ Hitsugaya wanted, from his captain's coat to his absolute confidence to Hinamori trailing after him with her heart in her eyes like she'd follow him anywhere.

He eventually got the captain's coat, but Aizen got Hinamori and that damn bastard still has her, with her soul broken into pieces and her mind off who knows where.

She's still not his, still just out of his reach.

She'll be his when she wakes up, he promises himself. He refuses to think that maybe she won't wake up, not wanting to face a world without her beloved _Aizen-taichou_.

When she wakes up, she'll be his. And no one will ever hurt her again.

-end-


	7. Protection

**Protection**

When Toushirou was alive, he had, in the house where he lived, a glass-fronted cabinet, where all the treasures of the family were placed.

After he died, he remembered a quiet maxim, "Important things have to be put away, so then they're easier to protect".

He didn't have anything in Soul Society to protect, waking there with nothing but the clothes on his back.

Then out of the slums of Rukongai emerged a little girl who was good and sweet and kind and had a smile he wanted to lock away only for him forever.

He protected her even then, because he was smart (so he could trick them), and small (so he was faster) and there were many things a brainless little girl needed to be protected from in the slums of Rukongai.

He let her go to Seireitei because he thought she would be safe there, behind those walls of spirit stone, where he was unable to see her but that was all right because neither could any harm.

Then her letters came, full of, '_Renji-kun accidentally blasted a hole in the wall during Demon Arts today _(who the hell was Renji, and how close was the hole to her head?)', '_I lost a match against Kira-kun today_ (once again, who the hell was Kira, and what did he do with the length of sharp metal to make you lose?) and the cincher, _'We were attacked by hollows today, and two sempais died'_(What the hell were they _teaching_ in there?).

He realized, belatedly, that she had gone to _Shinigami_ school, a school for people to learn to kill giant monsters. Where it was NOT SAFE. NOT SAFE at all, in capital letters and everything.

So, obviously, there was only one thing to do.

He joined the school the next morning, _damn_ the age restrictions.

Hinamori needed protection. He was there.

-end-


	8. Promise

**Promise**

She never woke up.

She died like that, pale and cold with the life draining out of her and like she was having a nightmare.

It was soon- too soon, especially to him, a child convinced of his own immortality because he had already died once, and unaccepting of that mortality in others.

She died without saying goodbye, she died and his last words to her was nothing of that he had never had the courage to say to her when she was alive and when he could pay her homage in his thoughts.

She's _dead_, dead and gone away from him forever, because he's a smart boy and he knows the chances of two souls ever meeting again is practically nil.

She was taken away from him, and he did was stand and watch, helpless.

She was stolen away from him, her voice, her laugh, her smile, _her life_. Aizen took it from her and treated it like it meant nothing at all. Like she had been worthless, just another damn pawn to use in his game, when she would have given him anything in the world. And Hitsugaya would have just stood by and watched, because he's never done anything to deserve anything of value and that's why he's never been allowed to keep them.

Aizen hadn't taken her from him. Aizen had taken her from herself, and bled her dry.

Hitsugaya had said what would happen once, if someone hurt Hinamori.

They cremated her with a bracelet he'd gotten her once and never had the courage to give her, because it was her birthday and when he'd tried to present it to her she'd already been in an euphoria over the much better gift she'd received from Aizen. He gave it to her this time in exchange for her hair ribbon, wrapped around Hyourinmaru's hilt like a lady's favor and the dead white color of her skin while she bled. Like a promise.

He promised himself that when he fought Aizen again, he would bleed Aizen's worthless blood dry into the ribbon, and onto the ground, and then he would burn it for her, and hope that it reached her, in whatever shadowy realms beyond soul society.

And then he would go follow her. He'd once promised himself he'd do that, too.

-end-


	9. Perfect

**Perfection**

She's not perfect. She knows it.

She's not pretty –her face is still too soft, padded with baby fat- and her body is weak –there's a reason she specializes in the demon arts- and she's scattered brained, often forgetting to do all the little things like sort the paperwork and push in her chair –Aizen-taichou doesn't like things like that. In battle, she's practically useless, good only for passing orders on to the seated officers and attacking from a distance with Tobimune.

She's clumsy, dislikes fighting, is unruly, and must be such a trial to Aizen-taichou; even though she tries so hard to be the very best vice-captain there ever was because Aizen-taichou is the best captain there ever will be. She knows she must vex him terribly; he tires to hide it, not wanting to upset her, but she can see the little crease of disappointment in his forehead and it strikes like a blow to the heart.

She can't do _anything_ right for Aizen-taichou, so she tries harder, pulling herself in to be just as gentle and refined and sweet as Aizen-taichou, as that man of endless kindness and patience, to thank him for allowing her to put her faith in him.

She's not perfect, but she tries to be, for Aizen-taichou.

Somewhere on the other side of Seireitei works a captain who _does_ think she's perfect, watches her run herself ragged after some entity who will never lower himself to her level, never work so hard for her sake that he'd never gain any of her efforts.

He thinks she's perfect.

She doesn't.

-end-


	10. Inadequacy

**Inadequacy **

Why have you done this to yourself?

You're lying there with a hole in your heart and a hole in your soul, when you should be running about like you haven't a care in the world.

You lying here is all my fault, because I wasn't smart enough to figure out Aizen's plot, wasn't fast enough to find you before Aizen, wasn't strong enough to stop Aizen.

_Not enough._

I'm never enough around Aizen, never measuring up to the (strong. Brave. Handsome. Kind. Polite. Gentle. God-like.) _perfect_ Aizen, your ideal of everything people should be- everything I wanted to be, because I wanted to be everything _you_ wanted, so you would want me. _Me,_ not whiny little Shirou-chan, not 'ice-block' Hitsugaya-Taichou, just Hitsugaya Toushirou, someone who wants to be with you more than anything in the world.

I have power, I have brains, I even have _influence_ now, and still I can't achieve what I've wanted to do since I met you, weak and fragile and shining with goodness in the slums of Rukongai, still I can't make sure that _no one will ever hurt you again, bedwetter, that's my job_, can't keep your broken little body free of pain and your broken little heart from shattering.

Not strong enough. Not smart enough. Not _anything_ enough, not even a friend, not if the questionable words of a dead man (you didn't even believe them yourself) could make you draw on me.

If you'll wake up, I'll do anything. I'll _be_ anything.

I'll be enough. Enough to save you, enough to make you happy.

Enough for you, and no one else.

-end-


	11. Dislike

**Dislike**

Aizen has always known that the 10th division captain dislikes him.

He prides himself on reading people, and the boy hardly bothers to hide it, with his curt words and impassive face and the way he avoids meeting Aizen face-to-face.

It's very rude of him, to disrespect a senior officer that way, nothing more than a cursory 'Aizen" in the halls and always keeping his gaze at a point 5 inches from Aizen's ear.

The other captains dismiss it. Unohana say, "_he just doesn't know how to address you, Aizen_", and Zaraki growls, '_did you expect him to kiss your feet?"_ and then Gin purrs, "_but you have Hinamori-chan."_

He does have Hinamori. He sends her to liaise with the 10th every time, which got him murmurs about how _nice_ Aizen-taichou was, trying to give _that brat_ time with his crush. He picks her up every time, too, and gets a kick out of watching Hitsugaya-kun's face pinch when Hinamori-kun abandons whatever she is doing to greet him.

Hitsugaya-kun is no danger to them, not as long as his adorable vice-captain continues her chirp of 'Shiro-chan'.

The 10th division captain doesn't like Aizen. Quite frankly, Aizen doesn't care.

-end-


	12. Price

No.83: a price to pay

There was always a price to pay.

When Hinamori went to Shinigami School he paid- it was a much better life than any to be found in Rukongai, but he saw her less.

When he entered the school, he paid – he was a genius, a prodigy, able to see her everyday- but she didn't want to bog down the 'genius'.

When Hinamori went to the gotei-13 he paid- she was his level now, up here with her dream, but she was in the 5th and he was in the 10th and Aizen was the 5th's captain.

When he became a captain he paid- power, money, influence, and Hinamori centered on Aizen no matter what he did.

When Aizen showed his true colors he paid- the traitor was gone, Seireitei was purged, but Hinamori lay cold and still in a room of white.

Now he was standing in front of Aizen, so close to Hinamori's sickbed, staring at the traitor's outstreched hand, hearing over again in his head, _I can make her alive again_.

If he accepted- Aizen was a sick little bastard, what would he ask? But Hinamori…

If he declined- _she would stay cold and dead for ever_.

He made his choice.

There was _always_ a price to pay.

-end-


End file.
